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2010-02-08T23:12:00.001+08:00

I really am suffocating here. Luckily not many people know about this blog. So I can rant here.
The difference in our way of bringing up children is driving me crazy. I try to give in whenever possible but it makes me grumpy.
I want to be financially independent.
I want a place of my own.
I want to be able to bring him up by myself!
:)

Upset

2009-12-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

I miss my long hair. This short hair is ugly as shit.

Why on earth did I go cut my hair? Maybe cos' I don't like people to keep repeating "You should cut your hair you know, it's so warm."

I'm so fat. :(

No one's considerate about the way I feel... Other than probably my mum. Everyone keeps saying I'm fat. My husband keeps calling me ah bui. :( Sad.

2009-11-11T19:38:00.000+08:00

If your boyfriend makes you wait for hours, and doesn't even wanna wait 5 minutes for you, he will make you wait 2x longer, and wait for you 0.5x longer when you get married!!

2009-10-20T02:32:00.002+08:00

Both my dearie and I got quite a few messages from friends, congratulating our marriage. Others said stuff like "Wa, didn't invite me.." or "Wow, you're married and you didn't tell me!" stuff like that.

If you said that cos' you felt left out, I'm really sorry.

If you said that cos' you want us to feel bad, I'm sorry too.

It really was meant to be a private event for family, and only friends who knew about it were invited to come. We didn't go around announcing our wedding.

There are people whom we tried keeping in touch with, sometimes, by dropping sms. But it's either they don't reply, or somehow, they're too busy to fit us in their schedule for a little lunch or dinner, or just catching up.

Are friends still considered as friends when you don't keep in touch?

I have many acquaintances and friends. But I have less than 10 close friends.
Friends who really know how I think and feel, what I'm going through.
Friends whom I really know how they think and feel, and what they are going through.

To my dearest friend of all, Gigi, thank you for always being there when I needed you.
To my next dearest friend, Juhua, thank you for always being there though sometimes you make me vomit blood. HAHA!

I suppose it takes 2 hands to clap. When both regard each other as their close friend, then will they maintain constant contact with each other, make an effort to know how the other person is getting along in life, and try to be part of every event (even mentally).

To my husband, I love you. :D
You're my bestest bestest friend.
You always make me laugh, sometimes make me cry.
You work so hard for us.
Thank you so very much.

old phone again!

2009-09-16T02:57:00.000+08:00

heh. suddenly miss being able to type on myy qwerty keyboard. so i swapped back to using my htc. looked through my old messages and photos. so nostalgic.

i was lying in bed, thinking about alot of stuff. probably pre-wedding jitters. but sometimes i really worry if he will one day cheat on me. hope it never happens. :)

i may seem really cool about certain stuff but inside me it's so turbulent. sometimes i wanna go crazy, but cos' it's won't make things any better, i just keep my feelings to myself.

i don't expect people to do whatsoever for me. it's rather, what can i do for people whom i care about. bu qiu hui bao! :) but inside hoping hao xin you hao bao.

Haha alright i'm gonna go try to sleep. night!

muahaha shopping

2009-09-10T23:44:00.002+08:00

TODAY! I shall upload the pics of the cosmetic and skin care me and my mum bought yesterday PLUS today. :)

Eye shadow

Brush, BB Cream, Lipstick

Foundation, eyebrow brush, smokey eyes set

SKIN CARE + SAMPLES :D

*EXCLUSIVE!!!* Pic of me. (which I think might look like Thai ladyboy. LOL.) Cos' like people kept looking at my face when I was out today. Hmmm...?

Yes? No?

My 09/09/09

2009-09-10T01:44:00.002+08:00

Today was 090909.
Cos' it's now past 12am, but I have yet gone to bed.

It's the BEST day I've ever had, since Mr X came back.

I woke up at 11am, but rolled around in bed cos' I had guests to my place. Didn't want them to see me in PJs. Fiddled with my iPod touch till the battery ran out. That was about 2 hours. Go buy UNO if you own an iPhone or iPod touch okay! It's fun! :D

Later on, after the guests left, me and mum went out to S'goon to get a painting framed.
Then started our shopping expedition.
Mission: To get stuff for my wedding.

Headed to town, Skin Food, and got myself Aloe Vera BB Cream. :D Oh yeah I finally got it. ^^v

Next stop, eye shadow. So we went over to iNouvi. Bought Purple Funk and Shocking Pink. The names sound really scarily loud. But it seriously isn't. So don't worry. :D
Then we walked around in search of press powder a.k.a. compact powder. Looked around in Skin Food at first, but the tones were too yellowish. Don't wanna look like a hag on my wedding day. Poked our noses around iNouvi, their shades were all yellow based too. BOOO. :(

Then we walked on, around Far East.. Just looking around. And we forgot that we're getting powder. Almost went home, but I suggested to continue walking. So we ended up in Tangs.

I went like "OOH! POWDER! MAC!" and mum went like "I don't like Mac. The powder isn't really good." But we went into Tangs anyway cos' there are sooo many cosmetic booths there.
Took a look at Shu Uemura's compact powder, but it was all yellow based too.

Finally settled on Benefit's compact powder name Champagne. Was slightly pinkish and light enough for my skin tone. YIPPEE!! :D But the thing was, the powder was out of stock. But the nice lady, Mandy, said she'll just order for us, and the goods are going to come in tomorrow, so we can collect it then. ;) Thank you Mandy!

Then we walked to Kiehl's! Mum said their sun block is really good. (I recommended her to try that brand cos' I saw on many mags that it's a really good brand.) So this lady came up, Yvon. She asked us what we wanted and stuff, we just looked around. I got mask for my face. Brightening Botanical Hydrating Mask and a pimple + pimple scar vanisher thingy. :D Mum got a hydrating oil (to use as moisturiser), some eye cream, and we got alot of samples to try. :D So nice right. ^^ Love her service.

Then we got a call from Mr X, and remembered that we had to buy some chicken drumsticks and stuff, cos' he wanted to cook me something delicious. And so we took the train home.

SHOPPED AROUND LIKE CRAAAAAZY IN NTUC. LOL.

Bought MINI Magnum. YUM. I love it totally. :D

Okay, time to wash off my mask now. :P

LOVE YOU MUMMY.

cry and cry and cry

2009-09-09T01:21:00.003+08:00

I've been feeling so upset these few days.
And though I say I don't know why, I actually do. It's just that I don't wanna say it out.

I keep my thoughts to myself.. So people don't have to worry about me. So I won't seem so vulnerable. So people will not understand me so easily.

I think a lot. I think a lot before I say things. I think a lot before I do some things. Sometimes those thoughts are unnecessary. Sometimes they aren't.

Like for example today, I was thinking a lot about how to get my stuff back from Joey. Thinking about what he would say, for the reason I give. I thought for 2 hours, and I finally said, "I don't know how to say but I want my HT neck back."

Omg, it didn't really come out properly. But I didn't know what else to say. So that was the best that I could come up with.

Sometimes I look for my closest friend(s) and I tell her/them that I feel sad... They will just say, "Don't be sad." :( Oh well...

And those people.. Whom I don't give a freaking damn about will come piss me off further on msn saying things like "Cry me a river." -_- ?? Annoying insensitive creature.

Sigh........

2009-08-23T13:32:00.000+08:00

LOOKING FORWARD to my next check up :D

-whistles-

Oh I can't wait~~~~~~ To see you again!

2009-08-15T15:43:00.000+08:00

Hwahwahwa, been 2 months since my last post. Dead blog huh..

It's been a turbulent 2 months I suppose.. Been really busy settling stuff with my mum, and things like that.

I don't know what much to post on this blog, :( But I do have an upcoming blog selling cakes, muffins and cookies. Please support it! It was supposed to launch already but my mum insist that I perfect each "dish" before launching. Haha. x) The url is http://sweets-of-rene.blogspot.com

2009-06-30T16:12:00.002+08:00

HOLA!

I turn 20 tomorrow. HAHA. Last day of teenage~~ Happy, and saaaaaaaad. Old le, must be more responsible le. :X

I went Thailand a week plus back. HAHA. First day bought so many stuff. >_> After that was so damn budget. But I loved the island! :)) And Noi, the fireworks guy. :D Anyone wanna go Koh Samed tell me okay. I help you contact Noi for cheap lodging, A-class bungalows at the beach front. ;)

Went ScratchDog in Thailand. Starting no one there.. Like freaking boring. But the music's cool. THEN, more and more people came. WOW~ @_@ (anyway i sneaked in. COS in Thai, you gotta be 20 to get into clubs.) HAHA!

SOMEBODY CALL 911! SHAWTY FIRE BURNING ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!!!! <3<3
and and
MY LIPS LIKE SUGAR~~~ THIS CANDY GOT YOU SPRUNG~~ SO CALL ME YOUR SUGAR~~~~ YOU LOVE YOU SOME!!~~~ <33333

AHAHA LOL. I'm freaking bo liao. Bored at home right now. :(:(

Just now went to eat at Carousel.
Gah. It's only slightly cheaper than The Line @ Shangri-La.
I seriously will recommend everyone to go to The Line instead. :)
The seafood spread is much better over there. More Fresh!
And Shang's dessert spread is like TOTAAAALLY alot. :)
Oh and Shang's chocolate fondue's muuuuuuuch better. The choc is YUMMY. :)
THEN AH, Carousel charged one cuppa Orange Juice $11++. >_>
AND I HAD A BIT OF PLASTIC IN MY MINI CHAWANMUSHI.... D:
OYA and Shang has oysters!! Carousel doesn't! :P
So, go to The Line ok! :X
(Wah, free advertisement. ^^v)

2009-06-07T02:12:00.002+08:00

It's been pretty much a turbulent month.
So many ups and downs.

I'm gonna get married.
:)

Supposingly happy event but somehow I feel that it has made us kinda drift apart instead of growing closer.

Maybe it's just my thinking. But I just feel that way.

I may be strong, but I am insecure.. :(
Show me you love me if you do...

Everytime I think about it, I feel like crying.
It's not that I wanna stress you up.
I'm trying my best to help you in whatever way I can.
But money matters, I'm afraid I can't do much.
I'm really sorry.

You asked, if I have ever thought of being with someone else.
No, I haven't.

You asked if I have ever thought of breaking up with you.
Sure I have, when I feel like crap...

You're not the only one who needs to be comforted. I do too.

Love you always. :)

A long break from being online. :(

2009-05-18T00:23:00.002+08:00

It's been so long since I last updated my blog.
It's cos' I've started working in Shangri-la.
And the truth is, I've been so worn out that I don't even have time for recreation.
I feel stretched out so thin that when I have the time, I'd just catch up on my sleep.
Seriously, working 6 days a week sucks.
I have to spend time with my boyfriend, with my mum, have some private time with just myself.. I just feel that I've totally neglected all of these..

When I meet my boyfriend, I feel so tired, that most times I'm just like gonna doze off.
Then when I chat with my mum, she's already gonna go to bed.
Then when I wanna spend some time using the comp, I'm actually eating into my sleep time, which will cost me of my energy the next working day.

Working is really tough, but I don't wanna spend time rotting at home either. :( Torn.
So sad working, but so sad without money, rotting as well.
I see that my mum seems happier that I'm working and I don't wanna disappoint her.
So I'll be working till school term starts. :D
Then it's freedom for me.

FREEDOM!

2009-04-28T03:19:00.002+08:00

I feel a little happy,
and I feel a little sad.

I'm upset cos' I feel that I don't have a life.
I'm upset cos' my friends don't keep in touch with me.
I'm upset cos' P1 doesn't reply my sms.
I'm upset cos' I don't have time for recreation!!

However, I'm happy cos' I have a job.
I'm happy cos' I have made new friends.
I'm happy cos' I'm making money.
I'm happy cos' now people can't say that I'm wasting my life away.
I'm happy cos' now I can provide for myself.

As people always say, when you gain something, you lose something.
I guess I gained work experience, and money; but I lost touch from the life that I had.
So abruptly, I actually am shocked as well.
So abruptly, I'm still trying to adapt.

I hope this makes me more of a woman.
More of someone who can take hardships.
More of someone of use.

Now that I have some income, I wanna upgrade my handset. :x
And I wanna get that speedy.
But I don't know if I should. :/

Some people.

2009-04-28T03:10:00.002+08:00

Some people deserve having eyes rolled at them. Totally.
Like today, I had finished work and went to wait for my boyfriend to fetch me from the main lobby. There was this lady, working as what, bell girl or something. Anyhow, she was to greet guests when they enter the hotel, or to bid guests goodbye.

Then when I walked past she totally ignored me. That's alright, cos' if they do greet me, I feel kinda bad. But this lady, when I was already outside of the hotel, she came over to look at me from top to bottom. Oh what the heck? Oh please miss, for all you know, I may just be richer than you. Please watch where your eyes wander. It's really rude. -__-

Maybe tomorrow, if I go for high tea, when I see her, I will go up to her and tell her to watch her eyes. Just maybe. That has to depend on my mood. -whistles-

2009-04-25T01:24:00.001+08:00

I AM SO TIRED COS OF WORK.

I BARELY HAVE A LIFE.

I MISS MY LIFE.

But I need the $.

Sigh..

Can't really list out the details of work cos it's kinda p n c. Don't wanna get sued cos of that. ~_~"

2009-04-19T02:00:00.002+08:00

Wa! Lack of sleep totally takes a toll on me. I'm having headaches so frequently it's like EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Anyway today was my first day at work, and I thought it was great. Really enjoyed myself! =) I will take this job seriously. ;)

BTW, random info. I saw a HIV ad on MTV. It says like every 12 seconds someone gets a taste of HIV. That's freaky.. @_@

mobile blogging!!

2009-04-16T03:07:00.000+08:00

hi! I'm blogging with my phone right now. totally KO-ed earlier on tonight, just woke up, finding tt i'm alone.

Had the shock of my life at LV earlier on cos my bf's dad asked if i wanted any of the bags. he went - you want any? take your pick. and i wanted to hide into my shell like a hermit crab.

i don't know, maybe any other girl will have an orgasm upon hearing tt and chiong around the shop to choose one, but it felt so awkward to me. I was raised not to be greedy about such materialistic stuffs, and even if so, i should not accept expensive gifts from anyone (unless it's my husband?) :) so after that, came home and KO-ed straight.

tomorrow morning i have my first ever horntail run. hope i do fine! :) good night!

2009-04-09T22:08:00.001+08:00

SERIOUSLY WTF. LOL.

Aussies suck. -__-"

2009-04-05T01:33:00.002+08:00

You will never understand how I feel. So you can never understand my actions.

Why should I give you chance after chance, hope after hope, when I get disappointment after disappointment? In my heart, I knew that you were never gonna come find me tonight. But still, hearing that you won't come, hurts me.

I know how things are gonna turn out, but I still get upset. Why???? Wake up Serene. Wake up!!

Things never change. It will never change.

So what if it hurt me so much till I teared, till I cried? You don't get me. You don't get my point.

I seriously don't know why I do so much, when it doesn't reciprocate. Why should I go home early from meeting friends, just to see you, to spend time with you, when you stay till the end of gatherings? I should just stay, so my friends don't think that I'm "buay steady". But for you, I always thought it was worth it... To you, it just isn't the same.

Sad case.

2009-04-03T03:20:00.002+08:00

TIPS SOLO-ED THE TARGA! :)
Took 4 hours. He's the man. xD

Was on twin coupon for 24hours. Makes me really happy! <333
But the lack of sleep made me really grumpy. :/

Anyway, the guild's falling apart. 走的走，散的散。 Really saddening to see that. But if the GM doesn't want to play back, I don't think that there's anything that I can do to revive the guild. Half of me is really sian, wanna find a new guild. But half of me, can't bear to. We started the guild together, all as friends. Anyway, most times I'm such a solo-man, I doubt it matters... Guild members never had boss nor training sessions together. Missed how SunshineClub was, but then again, kinda hated how I was treated. I'm fine being alone. ;)

FRIENDS! COME BACK! :( I MISS YOU!!
Water, I miss you so much. I know you won't ever see this. But you are/were the best maple husband I've ever had. You took care of every little detail, I didn't have anything to worry. You rock!
I miss you everytime that I log on. :)

2009-03-28T02:57:00.003+08:00

Are there many control freaks out there? Are you guilty of being one? Let me know okay!

From what I see/know, many boyfriends/girlfriends are control freaks. They restrict where their S.O. goes, cyber stalk them, and suspect alot. Sometimes I think I fall into that category, but most times I refrain from being a control freak.

What's the point of checking on your S.O. if she/he's cheating?
You know, you get hurt.
You don't know, you don't.
You know, he doesn't change, you get hurt more.
You don't know, nothing happens.
You know, you leave him. YIPPEE!
You don't know, get kept in the dark. When you eventually somehow find out, it shocks you. :O

What if she/he's not cheating?
You check, they get irritated.
You check more, they feel offended.
You check some more, their privacy totally gone.
You check even more, they know you don't trust them. When a relationship doesn't have trust, it can't work. :)

I was a victim of cyber-stalking. The feeling toootally sucked. I love my privacy, and when it's being intruded, I get quite mad. :x

Not that I have secrets. Maybe I do. But there are things that I just like to keep to myself. I bet some (if not most) people out there are like me.

So, take a break. Stop cyber-stalking. Relax. If it's gonna work out, it will.

2009-03-28T02:54:00.003+08:00

Just a random thought.

If the truth hurts, and I had a choice, I'd rather not know. ;p
But curiosity kills me as well :O
So, don't rouse my curiosity. =P

2009-03-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

-BRIIIIN-
Driving skill level up. AMATUER NOW. :p

Anyhow, I'm so freaking tired now. Wanna go to bed and K.O.. But that lovely darling of mine is out with his friends and I shall wait for him. ;)

2009-03-24T23:37:00.001+08:00

I LOVE MY NEW MOUSE!!

2009-03-24T22:11:00.002+08:00

Hey, I'm on the bus right now. :) Feeling rather happy cos' I bought myself a Razer Mouse today. :) It's lovely sugar pink.

On my way home from meeting Da Mi. We met at Plaza Singapoura for dinner (takoyaki) and a drink. DAMN, the drink was so gassy it made me puke.

Learnt something from Strawberry Panic. Though we all have sad times, there will always be happy times. And definitely more! :D

2009-03-23T22:56:00.002+08:00

Today is a slackish day. :D Anyway, woke up and went S'goon North with Da mi to see guinea pigs and rabbits.

Then we went to outside of my secondary school for lunch. It was so freaking warm when I reached home. So I switched on the air con and lay there, with my laptop. Wanted to take a nap but I wanted to hunt mice on MouseHunt. But after a while I was too pissed to hunt, cos' my webpages couldn't load. LOUSY INTERNET/LAPTOP!!!!!!

Never mind, I'll get the MacBook soon. ;)

Slacked and watched anime till 5pm and went out to the mall to get pet food and pet litter stuff. Went to NTUC after that. Just within that hour, I spent nearly $130. Goodness gracious. -__- Luckily $100 was from mum.

LOVE YA MUM! HOPE YOU AND DEARIE ENJOYED MY DINNER! :D

Had no chance to take pictures of the food before consuming. Cos' we were all soooo hungry!
Teriyaki chicken, french beans fried with carrots and lean meat, fried egg with bits of prawn, and campbell's soup! Japanese rice to top it off. Yummy. ^^v

2009-03-23T22:55:00.001+08:00

You bought me roses. Pink ones. How sweet of you. 3 roses - I, Love, You. Thank you baby. I love you too. <3

drifting apart?

2009-03-21T20:52:00.001+08:00

Somehow, I just feel that we can no longer clique.. Maybe it's cos of e monk..? Those stuff you say to him tt I know nothing about..?

2009-03-18T22:10:00.003+08:00

HAHA. The last post was such a shabby one. I just got home from driving then, and was recovering from the shock on the roads.

Let's do the post all over again. :) (This post was supposed to be up last night but my internet connection screwed up and I lost my whole post somehow.)

I didn't sleep well last night, though I went to bed at 11pm. I put on some chanting music and finally managed to calm myself and drift off to dreamland. But I kept waking up, like maybe 5 times that night. When it was finally 8 am, I was reluctant to get out of bed so I napped till 8.25 am, and got out of bed to shower. After my shower, I lit the oil lamps, offered incense and made some milk for myself so I wouldn't be hungry.

I left home in a hurry, forgetting that I have only drank half a cup of the milk, cos' I remembered that I had forgotten to withdraw money to pay my instructor. So I cut across the park to the ATM and then to the bus stop. Luckily I wasn't late for my warm-ups.

Started driving from 10 am all the way till 11 am, and went for my circuit till 11.40 am. After which I rushed off to the room to wait for my name to be called by the tester. I swear that I was crossing my fingers and hoping that CKC won't call my name.

Then was my nightmare. The door swung open and a familiar face appeared. "CKC!!!" I screamed in my head. "OH PLEASE DON'T CALL MY NAME!", I heard myself repeat that mentally. Thankfully, he called someone else. (But it was really unlucky for the person. I saw his gloomy face in the office later on.)

And my tester came. It was an Indian man. He's really good! Really patient when I was sooooo slow, and he was so encouraging. He kept saying "Mm, good." which makes me feel more confident and less nervous. Halfway through the circuit I practically stopped being nervous. :D

Then it was out on the roads, something I was really confident about. Lucky for me, the route was a short one. Out to the main roads and back to CDC. Then I parked the car under the shade, Mr Ooi came to collect the car as I walked upstairs with my tester.

When I was sitting in the room as the tester was printing my results, I chatted with the guy beside me. I asked him how it went and he told me that he had mounted a kerb. Sigh. I could totally understand how it felt, cos' I felt it my first time round. The OMG sadness.

Then I got my results! :D 4 points in the circuit and 8 on road. So a total of 12 points. :D I called Mr Ooi, let him know that I had passed and he came to collect the car "rental" fees and lesson fees and said "OK. Thank you, bye bye." and walked off. I was told to go to counter 1 to apply for my photocard license and I super blur-ly walked to the counter 1 downstairs. -_- Made a fool out of myself but I was too happy to care anyway. Finally found the counter, got a queue number and sat down to wait. The queue was really long so I went to watch the video while waiting. It all took about an hour.

Then I made my way to my boyfriend's house. Went to OG Orchard with Zoey and Auntie Linda, had Mushroom Pot for lunch. I wouldn't say that the food was good.. But at least my soup was. :D

Then we went to Centrepoint, met Selynn, went Cold Storage, and went back to my boyfriend's house. While waiting for my boyfriend to come back, I drove Zoey around the estate. A taxi driver zoomed past me in front of me without looking. Luckily I didn't speed out. He was too engrossed in digging his nose to care. So I turned right, followed behind him. He stopped to let the passenger alight, then drove ahead and continued with his nose digging. -_-" Drove back and parked back into the same lot. :P

Later on after dinner, went to Beach Road to fetch my mum. Drove past Geylang. Waa, crowded and people dash out from nowhere. So freaking scary. And it was my first time driving at night. Wooh~ So stressed.

Drove back from Beach Road. Such a long journey home. Drove past many buses, cars, jams. So stressed out. But gained quite alot of experience. :D Phew! I'm a licensed driver!! :D:D

2009-03-18T21:44:00.001+08:00

WHEE I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST TODAY! 12 PTS. :p 4 in circuit. 8 on road! (2 times abrupt lane changing.)

Thank you tester. <3

T_T

2009-03-17T17:03:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's my 2nd TP. I'm so shitass nervous. :(

Yesterday I went into circuit the first time after my 1st TP. I still feel traumatised. The phobia of entering S-course. I'm afraid that I will hear the tester say "Strike kerb." Phobia........

2009-03-11T03:18:00.002+08:00

Good morning!

I just spent the last... 4 hours listening to songs, and playing Rock Legends! on Facebook. Somehow I don't really feel tired. I feel the sadness within me. It's always been there... But most of the time I just throw it to the back of my head, not thinking about it. Tonight I can't, somehow.....

My boyfriend has a "shi fu". Congratulations to him for having someone else to share his problems with. (Have I been forgotten?)

Oh why am I so insecure? Something in the atmosphere set me thinking. It has always been with me. I used to make cards to my mum and dad, asking if they love me. It's kinda silly, but I just love the reassurance. I was an insecure kid. Now I'm an insecure adult. Why can't it go away? :(

My boyfriend said his "shi fu" said that I have features (面相) of someone whose life is/will not be smooth, 苦命, etc. That doesn't bother me.

But somehow I got reminded of myself, growing up. Yes, compared to other people, I may be more fortunate. I've had my share of happiness, but it's not a fair share.

Primary 2, I started wearing spectacles.. Quite a few people shunned me cos of that. But that's still alright. Was in a big clique, got expelled. Reason being, the clique was too big. And the person who expelled me was the same person who handed me a paper print out MY BEST FRIEND with a star. I still remember her name. :( I ran alone to the field and cried.

Primary 5 and 6. There was an anti-me "club" formed? Members were those popular people in class. Yes, loneliness. Luckily there was Shi Yin, Jasmine, Claire (though I believe she didn't really like me), and Guan Ting.

Sec 1 and 2. Sarah didn't like me, made mean remarks on her blog. HJ didn't like me, for God knows what reason. So I couldn't stay in the clique. It was tough. I felt so so lonely. Tried mixing around more with the guys, cos' guys make better friends in some sense anyway. They don't backstab you. That worsened the situation. I was labelled a flirt and etc. Oh please!

Sec 3 and 4. I'm really thankful to Ah Nia. You made my sec school life wonderful. But most of it was still shitty. With people who made me feel like crap, rumours flying around. No one bothered to get to know me. They were too obsessed with the rumours. To worsen things, I had people pretending to be best friends with me, while making use of me. Didn't realise till the friendship dissolved by itself.

Poly. Worst place of my life. I have people from there who are so obviously two-faced. Act nice in front of me, and then stab my back. Had some bad stuff happen to me in Year 1, and had to miss quite a few classes. When I was back in school, I practically was a stranger in class? No one bothered to help me out with homework. Selfish bunch of people. Group projects, I contributed, and people claimed that I did nothing but skive.

Lecturers who said my work suck when I put in super extra effort. When I tried so hard to brainstorm for more ideas, I got scolded for having too many ideas from different places. Isn't that what brainstorming is about anyway? Oh did you tell me how to improve on my work when you said it suck? No. Thank you. Another kinda lecturer tells me that my work was wonderful (thanks for being encouraging), but giving me a D when it comes to grading. HO. Oh yes, and pretend to be such a nice guy, but when you're no longer in his class, he doesn't even give a shit.

Attachment. Thank you Adillah for making it bearable. Thank you Shirley for... Being you? It was good during attachment. But when I joined the company, LOL. It was all different. And someone even thought I backstabbed him. Please, before you make any comments, get your facts right. Everyone likes to accuse others of things, without clarifying. And to think I still looked up to you.

I miss smoking. But I hate smoking at the same time. I remember how it could take my mind off stuffs. But I know how it is hurting me too. :(

Boyfriend boyfriend.. I hope you know that you are one of the most important people in my life, at this point. Thank you "shi fu" for telling him not to keep scolding me, making me feel really lousy.

To people out there who know me. I'm sorry if I'm not what you guys expected. I'm like an onion. I have many layers. Most of you only know up till a few outer layers. Even my mum. Deep inside I'm so inconfident, so weak, so vulnerable. But I have to put up a strong front to get past most days. E.g. school days, work days. I'm sorry that most of you are not able to see the deepest part of me. I don't like to feel vulnerable in front of people. And I love my privacy a hell lot. :/ The most important thing is... I don't know how to trust anyone at all.

It might have been caused by those people I've lived with, met, befriended. I've learnt not to trust anyone. Even your closest kin could turn on you. My dad was never really a dad I suppose..? My relatives, most of them are so bitter. There isn't anyone that I can turn to when I'm down. Only myself.

I tried to trust... But in return I always got betrayed. :'(

Thinking about all these makes me really upset. I don't know if it's me that's rotten, or weird. Or is it the people out there... Or maybe I just haven't really find a true friend...?

2009-03-11T02:52:00.002+08:00

Lily Allen - The Fear

I wanna be rich
And I want lots of money
I don't care about clever
I don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes
And fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they're trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off
And it will be shameless
'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah, I'm onto a winner

I don't know what's right and what's new anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But that doesn't matter 'cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah, we're on to the winner

I don't know what's right and what's new anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Yeah I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
and everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's new anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

2009-03-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

The past few weeks, me and my boyfriend just kept quarrelling. Till I felt that there isn't any point in going on. I don't know, but at some point I really just wanna give up. Maybe we've changed...?

I've lost faith in the relationship though I'm still holding on. I didn't believe in marriage, but somehow he made me feel it might not be as bad as I pictured it. Too bad right now it's all ruined again. I still do not believe in marriage. Or maybe, I don't have that much trust in men that's why.

Guys are all heart breakers!! :)

2009-02-17T14:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night, I cooked spaghetti!
It was my first time cooking pasta related dishes, and somehow it turned out delicious! I'm really happy about it. :D Even my boyfriend's mum and sis said it tasted great. ^^v

I love cooking somehow, even though it makes me all oily and yucky. Maybe it's the "experiments" on how to cook that got my interest. Or maybe it's the sense of achievement. Hopefully one day I can set up my own cafe. I'll sell food and desserts!

2009-02-13T00:53:00.002+08:00

Oh yea i forgot to include, that he sounded horn at the vehicle right in front of me before we even entered the circuit. How impatient of him. Proves that he didn't have the heart to test me anyway. Malign me of striking kerb twice.

AND!! When we were back at the office, he just shoved people out of his way, exclaiming "Get out of the way!" or "Move away!" So mean and rude!!

2009-02-12T18:03:00.002+08:00

HELLO, I didn't pass my TP. Oh well, the tester's the cause. Not that I'm pushing blame on others. I'm so proud of my near perfect circuit record - perfect parkings, mounted kerb only once 2 weeks ago, perfect S course, etc. Today before the test I had my supposed last lesson, and it was perfect. When it was test time, the tester kept rushing me. SHEESH! What's the rush yo'? Anyway, I had a beautiful score of 42, and immediate failure (which he caused). He asked me to inch closer to the vehicle in front and when I stopped, he asked me to continue moving forward. Then he claimed that I failed 'cos I almost caused an accident? LOL. Didn't strike kerb, he said I did, 2 times. From the start, he wasn't in the mood for testing. He rushed me, asking me to keep overtaking other vehicles, and when I was driving in the circuit, he messed with my steering, and said "Steer back la! What are you doing?" What the hell? -_-" Really unlucky to have met such a tester. Next date is April or something. Freaking far away. SHEESH~~

2009-02-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

WOOH IM HAVING MY TP LATER ON, IN 13 HOURS' TIME!! :D

2009-02-09T15:59:00.003+08:00

I bought a new rabbit yesterday. She's a dwarf cross lion. :D Real beauty!~ Here are her pics. I shall let the pictures do the talking. :)

The older rabbit.

Size difference.

2009-02-05T21:43:00.003+08:00

Just got back from the doctor's not long ago...
Bad news is, I'm almost blind? I'm left with 60% of my vision, and if I continue wearing contacts, I'll be completely blind very soon. Sad.
Good news is, there's a cure? Lasik.. But need to wait for my eyes to stop being blur (at least 2 weeks).. Will be accessed again, then. The cost is $3K SGD. Totally sian.

I miss looking at my boyfriend's face. Miss hugging him. Feels as though I haven't seen him for a long long time but it's only been 24 hours. SUPER SAD.

I don't like being alone.

2009-02-05T14:42:00.002+08:00

HELLO HELLO!

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone~ It's been a great year for me, hope it has been equally well for the rest of you. :) I love the Lunar New Year because of the goodies (how fattening), and also, the red packets ($_$)!

Haven't updated my blog in a while... Been down with fever the week before CNY, for a week. SUCKS!! The weather nowadays is like, wooh, MELTING HOT. And when you get on the bus it's like FREEZING COLD. How not to fall sick this way?! I'm having sore throat, don't know if it's from the new year goodies, or the crazy weather. Hope I won't keep falling ill. It sucks to have to keep taking medicine. :/

Okay, a little promotion for me and my boyfriend's little business. Please check out http://mycks.blogspot.com/. Do support me by purchasing the heart keyrings, either for yourself, or your significant other this Valentine's Day.

My driving test is in a week. Kinda nervous.. But I'm quite sure I can pass in one go IF I do remember the 8 pointers that I myself wrote down. I'm gonna do it on my own!! (Cos if I do get any help and I pass in 1 go, there's nothing to be proud of.)

Will be going to The Eye Centre later this evening.. Eye giving me problems. :( Hopefully can go Lasik har. *Kekeke* And, like FINALLY I'll go register at SIM soon.. :D FINALLY can go back to studying, and not what it seems to others as wasting my life!! Woohoo~~ :P

AM BACK HOME!

2009-01-19T12:17:00.002+08:00

HIHI~ It's been long since i last blogged. Well, it's cos I've been staying over at my boyfriend's.. Don't really have the time to blog.

After a month long of 8 to 5, my dear has to stay in again. Shitass boring. But oh well, the new camp isn't so far away from his place. I hope he gets to book out every Friday night. :D Really do miss having him by my side though sometimes he gets so irritating that I just wanna pinch him.

My boyfriend IS a weirdo. I don't know why he's so weird. o.O [Maybe I'm a weirdo to him too.] Wahaha~ I just don't understand why he must drive so fast all the time when we obviously have a lot of time. And of course there are other things that we cannot see eye to eye about.

Friday and Sunday was just disappointment after disappointment. I fell ill on Thursday night, after watching Red Cliff II (which was a great show), and had to skip my driving lesson on Friday.

1. I asked my boyfriend to help me phone my instructor, which was also his instructor, and tell him that I wasn't feeling well, but he refused. Fine, I called on my own.

2. He went out at night with his friends, asked me to wait up for him. I waited and waited, till 2 am, and eventually got pissed. I had been telling him that I'm starving since around 12 am, but he just continues having fun with his friends. And when I thought he was coming back, he said that he'd be going straight home? (Doesn't that make my wait wasted?) Then he changed his mind just as I was about to fall asleep, then he was gonna come over. I waited till 4.30 am. And yes, I was having fever. I just thought, if he was the one having fever, and I was the one going out, he would have screamed his lungs out at me. I call this, multi-standard.

3. Yesterday, also his last day before booking in, he was gonna go out with Azure to shop for CNY clothes. In circumstances like this, he can only see that his friend needs his company to go shopping, and forgets totally that his girlfriend is still sick. Wanting to accompany him, I went out with them. Walking around crowded places was so taxing on my body. I felt like sleeping after walking for only 10 minutes. And when I walked a little slow, he raised his voice and asked why I was walking so slowly. -_-? Please, spare a thought for me.

When you were sick, I stayed by your side, took care of you. When you were hospitalised because of dengue, I went to visit you daily, before and after work. Why can't you spend a little more time with me, care for me a little more...? It doesn't feel good to be sick. And I'm sick of being neglected.

2008-12-22T13:35:00.002+08:00

Had a LONG weekend with my dearest. :D Was really great. We went shopping on Thursday after he booked out, went Wheelock to send my iPod in to get replaced. Then just randomly walked around Orchard, shopping. My dearie bought like 2 polo tees. One from Burberry, and one from Tommy Hilfiger. I DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING FOR MYSELF!! Surprised ba. :p But I bought an Agatha hair clip for dearie's mum as an Xmas gift cos I broke hers last week. So malu. ><

Friday we went to Bugis there to pray, and went shopping around Parco Bugis Junction. Went to have lunch at Hip Diner USA. I wouldn't say the lunch was yummy.. And it cost 50 bucks. -.- Should have went to Sakae Teppanyaki or even the Sakae buffet. O'well.. Then we went to town to get tix for Twilight, and queue for my NEED FOR SPEED UNDERCOVER. LOVE IT MAN!!! But the queuing part is like so malu.. :/ They still take pics. Sheesh.. Hope they didn't like snap me. :D After getting my game, we walked over to Paragon to meet Jonathan and Cheryl. Walked around, window shopping. Then went to eat dearie's favourite Japanese food. Then walked back to Plaza Singapura for our movie. Loved the movie. The dad vampire so handsomeeeeee..!

Saturday's the big day man! My long awaited SHANGRI-LA one night stay. OMG LA THE BED SO BIGGG. KING SIZE YOU KNOW. THE BATHROOM SO NICE! Everything was so wow perfect! And there was automated curtains too. Lie on the bed, don't feel like getting up already. :X Had buffet at The Line restaurant.. Loved the oysters as usual. :p And the fondue. AND THE ICE CREAM!! I wouldn't say the food is very nice on the overall, but the fresh seafood is really yumyum! And their service is great. But 90+ bucks a person isn't worth it. I'm dreaming of fondue + ice cream now. CRAVINGS. :X

Sunday, check out day! Wanted to go swimming in the morning, but couldn't get up on time cos the bed was simply so wonderful. Woke up at 11, went shower and chiong down to check out already. Then cabbed down to Cine for brunch, after that we took a bus home. Once we got home, I climbed up the bed and went back to dreamland while dearie groomed the dogs. I'm such a slackerrrr! Then at around 4+ (I think..), dearie woke me up, we went to Serangoon Gardens for lunch with Si Kuan. Dined at Thai Express. Yummy tom yam soup. ^^ Then we went over to Island Creamery (dunno how to spell) for desserts. I think I saw Adrian's pic stuck there on the wall. -.-" Then we went home. Was gonna withdraw money for SK at the petrol kiosk, saw so many bangala. :X They look so rich! About 6 of them there, each withdrew like one stack of 50 dollars, maybe 1k each person. RICH LIKE HELL!! If the wind blow the money away, and I can manage to catch like 10% of all the money, I'd be rich too la. DREAMING HUH. LOL!

Then the most sian part.. Dearie book in again.. T_T~

2008-12-17T14:45:00.002+08:00

QUARRELLED!

First ever so damn serious quarrel after 1 year 1 month together.. You shouting at me that way made me kinda hate you.. Really sorry that I was not sensitive and understanding enough ba.
I think it will take quite some time for this feeling to subside.. Have this fear in my heart. I don't know how to feel that you love me, when you shout at me. Suddenly half of me don't feel like continuing.. o.O but I still love you ba.

I'm a weirdo, and I have been, all along. I remember, in primary 4.. I was crying and Nigel came over to ask me to cheer up, to stop crying. I told him to mind his own business. :/ You see, I've been such a weirdo. When people don't care, I feel upset, thinking that no one cares. When people care, I retreat into my own comfort zone, away from people. Contradicting. -_-"

I don't like people to know too much about me, to care for me. Probably cos' I don't wanna disappoint them in some ways..? And also, I don't want anyone to be so close that when one who became so close to me suddenly exits my life, I won't feel so upset. Sometimes I think I'm perfectly fine alone, but other times I feel so OMG lonely in this world. :(

2008-12-16T19:24:00.002+08:00

All you'll ever care about is your own feelings.

As though I don't feel so wasted for you? I just don't wanna say, so you won't feel so upset about it. Different people, different style of handling i guess? I don't know. When I failed to make the cut for y3 you just kept saying that it was so wasted and stuff.. How do you think it'll make me feel? You don't know la...

Ya, i'm slack. So very slack. Think what you want. I can't be bothered.

2008-12-14T16:38:00.003+08:00

It's been 12 days since my last post. During this 12 days, my life had been a rollercoaster. Highs and lows.

Driving makes me really happy.. Just as my boyfriend said it would. It really takes my mind off things, cos' i gotta concentrate on the roads. I think it's so tough to be told where to turn. >_<" Like if I had it all planned in my head on where to go, it will be easier.

I held a job for a day, cos i quit the next. Being a waitress isn't really tough. Just that one has to stand for staggeringly long hours. Being a waitress at this certain place was an experience. Just hate the way some people treated me. But I seriously didn't quit cos of that, like what my mum thinks alright. :( I can't handle having a job which eats into my private time with my boyfriend over the phone. It's a MUST HAVE!

I waited for 5 days, my boyfriend finally booked out yesterday. But after seeing him for 8 hours, he had to book in, for guard duty. Sighs... Before we left home, I hugged him so tightly and buried my head in his chest. I didn't wanna let go. I just want to keep holding on to him, so he won't have to leave me. I tried not to cry cos I know it breaks his heart to see me upset. But I can't help it. I just sobbed so hard. Boyfriend, don't you ever leave me.. I need you.

Truthfully speaking, sometimes I'm really a little tired of settling guild disputes. But I can't stand seeing any of my friends upset, or not talking to one another. Getting myself involved in everything is so tiring. But I know they're all super nice people, and just at the spur of the moment, cannot put themselves in others' shoes. C'mon people! PEACE!

2008-12-02T07:32:00.002+08:00

And he's gone again.

I miss you dear.

I want you by my side 24/7.. I'm willing to give up anything just to spend time with you. But you're not like this, I think...?
You have far more self discipline I suppose. Unlike me, I'd just skip school for a few more hours with you. Guess I should stop being this way. Time to have a life of my own? Sigh, I will try...

Have to ring up the driving instructor later on. Shitty. I detest making phone calls.. :(

2008-11-27T00:51:00.002+08:00

It has been a long time since I've spent so much time lazing with my boyfriend.. Waking up, seeing his face, and going to sleep with him right beside me. Totally love that feeling. :D He's the only one who can make me feel so complete. He's the only one who can change my mood 180 degrees, with just a word. He's the reason why I live on.

On Sunday, we had our back adjusted. To my utmost horror, the specialist said that his backbone is out of alignment at several points. And if he continues to do strenuous exercise or carry heavy stuff, he might paralyze very soon. The thought of it terrorises me. But I'll always be by his side no matter what happens. :) Cos i love him.

Had a nightmare on Monday night.. Dreamt that I was dying. Some illness.. Cried like lots in my dreams. But didn't cry in real life. O.O Usually if I dreamt of others dying I'd soak my pillow up. But strange enough, my own death didn't bother myself as much. I suppose cos' I don't have many dreams.... At least right now, cos I know that I do not have the ability to reach my dreams, so I dare not set any goals.

Today, Wednesday morning, I too had some nightmares.

The first was that I was living in a very broken down state kinda house. And my gate and doors couldn't close proper. Was talking to a little girl, "Come in darling~" when two guys walked up the stairs and interrupted, "Who you calling darling?" -_- I obviously rolled my eyes and said I wasn't talking to them.. And one of the guys charged into my house with a chopper. DARN LAME! I stabbed his butt with a butter knife after some struggles. I even called the ambulance for him?! Dumb dream.

Next was one haunted house.. Like those by the road side but kinda underground.. Only small windows at the top of the room.. Can't remember too much about that..

Another was a chalet. LOL. Dreamt that it was my primary school mate's birthday and I went, emptyhanded cos my mum said that the chalet was for Christmas not for my friend's birthday so I didn't need to bring anything. Only recall eating Konnyaku jelly there. LOL.

Then I dreamt that i discovered someone's suicide note. O.O Like uber many pages... Can't recall the details. I can pen down these dreams now only cos when I just woke up I sms-ed my boyfriend and told him about them briefly, and fell back asleep. Sheesh.

Oh yes the worst nightmare of this morning is, that I dreamt of my ex boyfriend YET AGAIN. Like 4th or 5th time this 2 weeks. Gees. Dreamt of how he was holding on to me, unwilling to let me go, and I was crying and sobbing, thinking of my current boyfriend, also smsing him. LET ME GOOOOOO~ and get out of my mind + my life please, ex. Goodbye to you. Don't wanna keep dreaming about you.

Oh yes, congratulations to my da mi a.k.a. Juhua on leveling 70!! ^^v

Good night all, back to sleep. <3

2008-11-21T23:18:00.004+08:00

Hey! I've been cooking myself dinner these days.

Yesterday I cooked myself fried rice..

:/

Tonight, I attempted something a little more challenging than fried rice. Cheesy meatballs! :D Self-invented alright. So proud of myself for that. My mum said it tastes nice too! Just a little too salty. But it was intended to be eaten with rice anyway. xD After adding rice to her plate, she agreed that it was just nice. ^^

Again, please don't mind the lousy presentation. :X Messy veggies, messy meatballs, messy soup. Hahaha! All in my stomach now. Here are the pictures:

Oh yes, I can't stop eating! I don't know why.. Maybe it's cos I started exercising? Is that possible?

Will be ringing up the driving instructor tomorrow.. Hope to get my license soon! ;) Good night all!

2008-11-19T16:39:00.000+08:00

What Serene Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

2008-11-19T09:36:00.003+08:00

Hot Shot Hot Shot.. Watch till kinda blur. :X 3 more eps to go. "YOU GO GIRL!" :x gees, self motivation to finish the show. Don't laugh at me. 东方翔好帅啊！Don't get me wrong.. I'm not someone who idolise those idols. :D I just really love his shy shy moments, and his cool aura. Aiya, he's always so perfect looking in dramas. -thinks of boyfriend and melts- YEAH MAN MY BOYFRIEND IS SO PERFECT JUST LIKE HIM, or maybe even more perfect... -daydreams- 东方翔帅，周啟祥更帅！

Alright, enough of my mushy mushy words.. Gonna go find something to do, or go to bed le.. -AH CHOO- *shy, i think my dear is missing me* KAKAKA. byeeee~

2008-11-18T16:19:00.002+08:00

I went out with Juhua yesterday night for dinner, and bought myself a skipping rope to keep fit! :D Just finished adjusting the length of the rope. ^^v Feel so excited.

I sorted things out with Bubble last night before going to bed. Then thought about my mum, sent her 2 sms and went to sleep. Don't know what her reaction was like... Oh and just before I fall asleep, I remembered that she came and look at me sleep in the morning. >_< Right now I'm feeling quite bad about being so mean last night.. Gees.. Wonder what got into me. @_@"

OMGOMG my dearie sent me sms!! -SUPER HAPPY-

Oh yes I finished watching HotShot.. Now converting the full version, see if there's any difference.. ;D

2008-11-18T00:20:00.001+08:00

Been looking for this blog skin the whole day, finally found it. Got what I wanted. ;) Well at least for today.

Had a quarrel with Ting just a while ago.. It was over a dumb issue, but I wasn't in a good mood cos of my mum. She just keeps irritating the shit out of me. And so, I kinda started the quarrel with Bubble.. A while later I apologised and she just replied "........". SHEESH!

MUM! CAN YOU STOP PISSING ME OFF? i'm so irritated by you everytime you ask so much. Just go on, have fun with your boyfriend, and not bother about me. Not like you did anyway... Now, even when I wanna buy something to stock up at home, I gotta think twice. You scolded me the other day for getting stuff from Mark's and Spencer. 我真是超不爽的。还有那电费！明明就不是我的错，你却责骂我。真是气死我了！

亲爱的男友，我好想你喔……明晚就能和你通电了！^^

Good night!

sigh

2008-11-17T23:54:00.001+08:00

I guess I got myself, to where I wanted to be.